Conspiracy
It’s a conspiracy!
That’s what the believers say —
and they are correct.
As classless as it may be to begin with a quote from the dictionary, it is sometimes clarifying:
conspiracy | a secret plan by a group to do something unlawful or harmful: a conspiracy to destroy the government. • the action of plotting or conspiring: a conspiracy of silence — an agreement to say nothing about an issue that should be generally known.
Or, in the simpler words of the thesaurus:
to manipulate the results: plot, scheme, plan, machination, ploy, trick, ruse,
subterfuge; plotting, collusion, intrigue, connivance, machination,
collaboration; treason. informal: racket.
That about covers it all. Note that “to manipulate the results” means that they are, therefore, by definition, not actually the results. In another quote, from David Brooks, opinion columnist for the New York Times, in a column titled “The Rotting of the Republican Mind; When one party becomes detached from reality,” he remarks:
Paradoxically, conspiracy theories have become the most effective community bonding mechanisms of the 21st century.
He goes on to explain various benefits to believers of buying into various conspiracies.
It’s not hard to understand why conspiracy theories are so popular. It is easier to believe that a group is doing something that I consider unlawful or harmful — plotting against me or my interests — than to accept that my dissatisfaction with my reality as I see it may actually be all my fault. Conspiracies, in other words, are a logical extension of victim mentality. Not that they may not be true. Just because you find your circumstances to be woefully inadequate, to the point of paranoia, that does not mean that no-one is out to get you. Especially if they, too, are operating on the same premise, whoever they are.
It is also easy to understand why a political leader who panders to this impulse is likely to be successful. If a rich and powerful person in leadership position — whom the poor and powerless tend to emulate — confirms my worst fears, I am going to find him or her very likable. Even if it turns out that they are just running another con (the first syllable in conspiracy), I can overlook that, because at least they are running the same con that I am.
This predilection for conspiracy-mongering gives the lie to, and shows the bankruptcy of, the lip-service paid to hypocritical and selectively applied tropes such as “actions have consequences” and “personal responsibility.” In Zen, which is known as a path of action, the main action we take is to assume responsibility for, and embrace the consequences of, our very existence, not just our actions.
I don’t mean to go off on a rant, though it’s the prevalent style in vogue just now, which is its own kind of conspiracy, conspiring against the cultural norms of civil communication. Paraphrasing Master Elvis, we can’t go on together, with suspicious minds, when it causes us to see a conspiracy lurking behind everything we do not believe in or support. But believe it or not, it’s all a conspiracy.
Beginning with the inchoate hysterical/historical to-the-victor-goes-the-spoils and writes-the-history conspiracy. So many millennia ago, Cro-Magnon man apparently wiped out the Neanderthals, either directly through ethnic cleansing or genocide, or indirectly through assimilation, via inter-species breeding. A few clicks before that the big five — Ordovician, Devonian, Permian, Jurassic and Cretaceous Extinctions — witnessed various natural and universal events conspiring against the survival of life on earth. And now the sixth, the Anthropocene — that’s right, you and me, baby — threatening to do it all over again.
People conspiring against people, as well as all other living beings on the planet, simply by being fruitful and successfully multiplying, a human epidemic geometrically expanding to global pandemic proportions now approaching ten billion, though competing virals may have the last laugh. Déjà vu on a cosmic scale. It’s all a vast, species-skewed evolutionary conspiracy, but it is not a respecter of persons. Get used to it while you still can.
The holier-than-thou conspiracy — Judas Iscariot conspiring with Pontius Pilate, Abraham dancing like an Egyptian, Pharaoh letting my people go. Cleopatra and Mark Anthony empire conspiring, Helen of Troy and the Greeks at Athens and Sparta, Clytemnestra and the wives against war-mongering husbands, the first recorded war of the sexes, still alive today.
Conspiracy of men against women and vice-versa — patriarchy over matriarchy, gender against gender. Who-controls-reproduction-controls-the-future conspiracy. She can give birth once a year; he can father a baby once a day. Whose bright idea was that? Just asking for trouble. If God is an intelligent designer, s/he must have a pretty vicious sense of humor, laughing its you-know-what off. It’s a holy, roly-poly existential plot, and the theological system, conceived by us, is nevertheless rigged against us.
Then there is the conquistador-in-your-face conspiracy — the Spanish, the French, the Portuguese, all on their manly “Man-o’-War” boats, getting their sea legs in those stylish sailing outfits. Not to forget the consummate conspirators, on whose empire “the sun never set” once upon a time — the British, now in retreat, hunkered down back on the isle from which they originally sallied forth — “bringing civilization to the world” at the point of a gun, along with the other big-time world-beaters, meanwhile enforcing political subjugation and religious conversion, and even more meanwhile, running off with all the goods. Meanwhile still cleaning up the aftermath in the Middle East and elsewhere.
All vintage conspiracy, an inspiration to us all. Living large and letting die. Dividing and conquering. Some got to win, some got to lose. Good-time Charlie got the conspiracy blues. At least the last British invasion bequeathed us the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, maybe it was all worth it.
Permit me a technical, pet-peeve aside: the sun actually never sets, of course, nor does it rise. The planet rotates, stupid. Another hangover, flat-earther conspiracy.
Then there are the leftovers, the shopworn royals — the tabloid cartoon following the feature adventure film — the landed gentry, the House of Lords, clinging desperately to antiquated conceptions of class conspiracy. Not to overlook the Czarists, followed closely on the heels by — uh-oh, the Bolsheviks. Just after the revolution, guess who owns the dachas at the lake? The old switcheroo, changing the players but not the game, the owners versus the earners.
Much deeper and broader than the brilliantly misguided greed-is-good meme, the war-is-glorious conspiracy, saving-the-world-from-communism subterfuge in Vietnam, along with its pretended-unintended death-of-the-draft consequence. Before that a “policing action” ploy in Korea, long after the noble and just World War Two, we-have-nothing-to-fear-but-fear-itself machinations of good Allies against bad Axis powers. Following, but not disconnected from, the World-War-One-to-end-all-wars debacle, the international cabal, the who’s-controlling-the-banks, who-is-really-in-charge-of-the-world conspiracy.
The MAD mutually-assured-delusion, the Axis of Evil propaganda, faux altruistic, run-the-boogey-man-out-of-poor-little-innocent-Kuwait scam, fed by WMD weapons of mass distraction fabrication, the you-don’t-go-to-war-with-the-army-you-want-you-go-to-war-with-the-army-you-have euphemism, the “all-volunteer army” dodge, the save-our-privileged-sons-and-daughters-from-the-draft scheme. The daddy issues, invade Iraq, kill Saddam Hussein, tie to Muslim jihadists, rout al-Gaddafi, Al-Qaeda and Taliban, and later, link to Hussein Obama, the close-the-circle ruse.
O ye masters of war, playing with my world like it’s your little toy. All in the name of the greatest good for the greatest number, of course, God-wiling on one side, Allah on the other, Satan in the middle, devil take the hindmost. It’s all one great, big, juicy fantasy — a cosmic conspiracy writ small. Learn to live with it; it’s profitable, and scalable.
The all-time-greatest-top-ten conspiracies: the haves versus the have-nots, the robber barons not-enough-to-go-around-survival-of-the-fittest-keep-me-in-power-and-I’ll-make-sure-we get-ours conspiracy thank you Bucky. The Dow Jones, Nasdac and Fortune 500 casinos rigged in favor of the house, whether in Las Vegas, Atlantic City or on Wall Street, the follow-the-money, watch-what-they-do-not-what-they-say, tap-dancing as fast as they can, vamping ‘til ready, side-show carnival barkers, sellouts, compromised congress, the purloined presidency, treason in thrall to the one-percenters.
Way beyond the piddling, petty and picayune conspiracy du jour, the national Koch — K-O-C-H — conspiracy to shove every last morsel of fossil fuel waste down our throats, and for what? So the brother can die with 50 billion bucks in his pocket? The international C-O-K-E — Coke — conspiracy, washing away the bitter taste with obesity-inducing sugar-water. A grab-all-the-gusto-you-can-get conspiracy of thirst.
The It-gets-personal conspiracy. The many against the one, the one against the many; us versus them, you against me, let’s-you-and-him-fight-while-I-hold-your-coat proxies.
Finally the dregs, the petit bourgeois, lone-ranger conspirators — the flim-flam man, the snake oil salesman, the three-card monte, the shell game, the now-you-see-it-now-you-don’t, sleight-of-hand, look over here not over there, you don’t con a con-man.
It’s all conspiracy. Even if you don’t really “believe in” the conspiracy du jour, it may be in your best interests to pretend that you do. At least you can deflect attention away from whatever conspiracy you are party to, so that they do not come after you. It’s short-term survival of the fittest, increasingly unfit for the long-term battle.
The economic conspiracy, polluting water so we can filter and sell it back to them, fouling the air so we can charge them for breathing, while we take refuge in our gated communities, walling “them” out while simultaneously walling “us” in — we’re safe at last, safe at last, thank God almighty, we are safe at lasting our own little bubble. Conspiracy of profit over life, hoarding versus sharing, ignorance trumps intelligence. Get used to it, get on the right side of history, you can learn to love it. Sounds like science fiction but it’s non-fiction, the God’s truth. The evidence is everywhere and overwhelming.
Lurking beyond societal conspiracy we find natural conspiracy, a conspiracy of species against species, the food chain on steroids, one-dollar-hamburger-factory-farming, humanity versus plant and animal kingdoms, eight billion and counting, devouring the rest. Except for viruses, of course, three times humanity’s total mass, and turning the tables. it’s a bio-conspiracy, and we are in grave danger of losing, mainly owing to the ignorant actions of our fellow conspirators.
Clues found in names of animals in groups — a shrewdness of apes, an obstinacy of buffalo, a glaring of cats, and naming the nevermore, there it is — a conspiracy of ravens. Any identifiable species is a conspiracy — gene pools conspiring to out-maneuver other conspiracies conspiring to do the same. Welcome to evolution, no respecter of persons.
We all live downstream, downwind from each other. The planet is spaceship earth — shout out to Bucky again — no exit, no escape hatch. It’s a no-win, zero sum game.
What are you gonna do when the doctor finally comes? Forget the fire next time, it’s the fire this time. The West is aflame and all over the planet drought is encroaching, the seas are a-risin’ and there goes the beach. Goodbye and don’t cry for me Mar-a-lago, the truth is I never left you. Those who sew the wind reap the whirlwind, and the harvest time has come and gone, man.
Joey — Joey, Joey, — Joey, Joey Joe. You been too long in this town — now it’s time to go, time to go. Oo-wa oo-wa Joey, Joey Joey…
But where you gonna go? It’s all conspiring against you. It’s personal now.
O sinner man, where you gonna run to? O sinner man, where you gonna run to? O, sinner man, where you gonna run to, all on that day? Run to the rock, rock won’t you hide me? Rock was a meltin’ — run to the sea, sea was a-boilin’ — all on that day
Sure, you can tell me all about your promise of heaven with streets of gold, and your threat of hell, and we know what that road is paved with. Good luck with that. Hope you are right, for your sake. A conspiracy of hoped-for eternal souls shuffling off this all-too-mortal coil, slinking and slouching toward Jerusalem through this veil of tears, a conspiracy of belief against reality. Choose your fantasy carefully. You never do nothin’ to save your doggone soul. You’re telling me, preacher man, that I gotta go through you in order to save my soul? You can absolve me of my sins, pay off my karma, for a small fee? That’s your final offer? Who put you in charge? Let me see some credentials. Come on. God is conspiring with you and only you, to save the souls of all of humanity?
It’s a conspiracy of the universe against the living. The stars don’t care – what do they care? A conspiracy of insentient against sentient, and vice-versa — the universal against the natural, the natural against the societal, and the social against the personal. We have met the enemy and they are us, and the galaxy just does not give a damn. They are out to get us and there are a whole lot more of them than there are of us. Game over, man.
In Zen, it comes down to a personal conspiracy, of monkey-mind against wisdom-mind. The Enlightenment versus enlightenment, perhaps. Biology against will, body vs mind, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. It is a conspiracy of reality versus what you think you know about reality, of the senses against what they are actually sensing. Which is change. If you can’t beat them, join them. Though change consume change. Join the conspiracy.
